Fueled by Anxiety


I want to come up with an entry to my blog that will make sense.  I want to be sure every word I use is the right word and that every sentence I put together leads to a point I want to make but wait, I don’t think I worded this right so five times later, I come up with this one sentence.  Now that I think about it my intro paragraph may not be making sense so let me delete it five or 10 times (oh no, I wrote out five and used the number 10, now it doesn’t match right.)  My whole paragraph now doesn’t look even so maybe if I had some things here and there it will look right.  Looks decent but now I want to delete this entire thing and just forget about it now.

I want to be able to come up with a nice valid conclusion the anxiety that I have to deal with in my life but I think people won’t read this or just laugh at how incoherent it is.  I’ll worry that they won’t think this is good at all so what’s the point of doing it now?  Now I have a blog with a small number of entries and I think it’s a total waste and now I want to scrap the whole thing, even I know a month from now, I may start again with a new blog.  Back to square one and I will repeat its demise.  I don’t have any writing skills nor do I have the ability to put something together on topic.  I’ll be criticized for what I have typed/written and it’s right now looping over my brain like a stuck needle on the record (if you don’t know what that is, I’m sorry, LOL).  Aw man now I’m referencing something most young people may not have any idea about.  Matter as well go back and come up with a more clever reference.  Twenty edits later, I leave the reference because it’s comical.

Now I spend 10 minutes staring at my screen reading what I’ve written so far over and over again, finding fault with this and with that.  I want to delete this.  I want to now delete the blog and just erase it.  I want to create a new email address so I can start a new blog somewhere totally different like maybe blogspot or some other blog hosting site even though I tried to create one there 10 years ago which I also then, created it over and over 10-20 times then finally erase it.

Now I’ll jump on Facebook to distract myself for a moment because I can’t deal with this now.  I want to forget I did anything and maybe try to reduce it all to one little Facebook status which doesn’t work because while I have a few close people who will understand, a majority who I haven’t spoken with or hung out with in ages will just think I’m crazy.  I don’t want them to think I am crazy.  I’m not crazy, am I?  Stare at screen for 10 more minutes.  Jump to my phone and play a quick round of solitaire.  Let’s jump on Instagram and veg on it for a few more minutes, completely distracting myself from the task at hand.  I’ll then move over to YouTube and watch some videos, listen to some music and then be motivated by a certain topic in a certain song to blog about and I’ll type the title and after 20 minutes of staring at the screen, I’ll just shut it off and move over to my PS4 and play a video game.

I’m back to the blog, trying to find out a way to end this and I can’t figure it out.  I go back and read what I’ve written and feel like I’ve written something good.  Then I go back again and completely erase it and try to re-word it which I will do a bunch of times.  I stare out the window at the sky for a little while.  Then I think about a job I need to find, think about a man I have to meet to a potential return to college.  As the time clicks on, I think about wanting to head to evening church which I want to do but circumstances begin to lurk into my mind as to why I’ll just be better off staying inside.

Now I’ll get off my seat and just roam around my home, thinking about where things are placed and change a few things, move a few things around and then realize I want to finish this blog post but I can’t.  I can’t figure out how to end it.  Now trying to end it and I want to erase it because it’s not good enough.  I want to delete!  What will people think about my blog?  They must already think I’m stupid for writing it, it’s just not good enough.  I don’t het hits like other bloggers.  I want to post this on Facebook but I’m afraid what people will think of me.  I want to link it to Instagram but again, what will they think of me?

I spend so much energy trying to push myself into doing something that by the end of it all, I simply give up and retreat to my little world of solitude, away from everything and everyone.  I just want to be alone at this moment.  I just want to be in a place where I can relax and not worry or concern myself with the decisions I’m avoiding or running from.  The question in the end is how I distract myself from these moments of anxiety.  (That’s for another time.)

Real life.


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