Upon this path I’m on, I’m going to up against many different bumps, obstacles, uphill’s and downhill’s. I understand that it won’t be easy but as long as I keep going then one way or another, it will work out for the best as long as I have faith. Well I must stop and reflect in the moment because today marks an anniversary that no longer exists so to speak. This day is no longer as special as it once was but it is a day I still remember a beautiful thing taking place. I was married on this day to a very special woman. Then I messed the whole thing up.
Today I am divorced due to my own lusts and addictions that I did not take care of early in life or in the many times I was revealed to be this kind of man to her. Today serves a grim reminder to the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life and that is destroying a beautiful love with a beautiful person and the mother of my beautiful children who did not ever deserve this at all. No they didn’t! They didn’t deserve a broken home. They deserved a loving father, someone who respects their mother and who brought stability physically, mentally and spiritually. I was not the man of God I should have been to these children. I was not the man of God that woman deserved in her life. I was destructive in my personality, my traits brought a downfall to a beautiful family that should be thriving right now, today! We were supposed to grow old together but alas, it will never be now. I am the reason we are not together. I am the reason things are the way they are. My life right now is not perfect, it is not ideally in a great place.
This path of life that I’ve been on had its time where I could have improved things, made it better and to learn from my mistakes. Up to a certain point, never once taking true responsibility for my actions. It was always someone else’s fault but I know what I did. I know how I got here. No one out there is to blame. No one caused me to stumble the way I did. I guess to a certain extent there is other things you can blame but no matter what, it all comes back to you not to be in that position in the first place. I kept putting myself in positions that was dangerous and wrong but I kept going back. It was like a drug, it was like an addiction. I have an addictive personality and I kept going back because I wanted more. Now my family suffered and my wife is now my ex.
I was stupid for what I did. There isn’t any sugar-coating it. I have to be able to look back on it all now and learn from it. That’s what reflecting is all about. I started out with therapy, I cleaned up a little my life, best I can and took off on this journey. I dealt with bitterness, frustration, pain, anger and then there’s the possibility that there’s someone new waiting for me on the horizon, someone who could prove to be a worthy person to walk with in this journey but I deal with doubts, anxiety and the unwillingness to let someone to close for me because well, I’m not one anyone would want to get close with at this point in time. Too much to deal with that why would I pass it along to anyone else. I guess if they are willing to walk that struggle with you they’d be worth it but I don’t know. I don’t want to be alone but I should be alone.
In the end, don’ be stupid. Be faithful. Don’t lie, don’t cheat. If you feel like things are shaky between your spouse, then try to fix it, its worth the attempt. Better to try and fail than not try at all and go out there and have some 10 second fling with some other person and for what? It would be for nothing! If you have to walk away, better to do it on truth than on a lie. At least have some integrity, don’t lose it for something cheap.
Better yet, try this, strengthen your bond with God. I had a chance but I chose not to include God and it still went bad because I didn’t put enough faith into the entire thing. It should have been worth it to me to try. It was not because I didn’t try. What would that tell anyone? That you don’t care? That you don’t love enough? Don’t have them doubting you on everything.
I’ll never regret saying “I Do.” I regret not being faithful to a wonderful lady. I was not a great example to my children and that hurts too. Its rough, really rough.