Walking Alone…

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There before me is a long winding path into a far off distance.  As I observe this trek over the horizon fear settles in and unable to focus.  My heart rate climbs and the sweat develops on my brow.  Even before making one step I’ve already taken 100 steps in my own mind, analyzing each step I take wondering what can go wrong with each step I take.  I can’t move and my mind is rushing thousands of miles per minute and after a few moments, I’m already worn out.  My heart and my mind are both in this anxious bout of doubt, fear and hopelessness.  Now I feel tired and overwhelmed with emotions.  Thoughts are rushing around my mind and before I know it, so much time has passed that I’ve decided to not even get back up.

It is a constant loop I find myself in and I find it so difficult to just get up and get it.  Where is my motivation?  I’ve been bombarded with so much thoughts and feelings that I settle and get lazy.  It would be easy to just hop on my phone or on my game system to escape my reality.  It is a good distraction, certainly it has come very handy at times.  There are times though that seeking that distraction has gotten me in trouble too.  What is a man to do when he is not able to move, get going.  This psychological battle I find myself in has cause me much pain and despair in my life, especially in the past decade or two.

I once was not alone.  Now I am.  This path is long and it will be trying.  It is time to walk.  I’ve been stagnate for too long.  I have no choice now but to go alone.  It will be hard, it will be trying for sure but to be stagnate won’t be good for me.  Anxiety and doubt will lash its claws on to my psyche.  It will attempt to slow me down and make me lay down.  I am my own wall.  I am my own worst enemy.  I don’t need haters…I’m my own hater.  I’m my own audience, I’m my own doubter.  Insecurities and a lack of confidence is my level 10 boss.  If I don’t beat him, I’m done.  I had five lives, no more chances to get more so I’m down to 1.  Time to make this one last…I guess.

 

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