Fueled by Anxiety

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I want to come up with an entry to my blog that will make sense.  I want to be sure every word I use is the right word and that every sentence I put together leads to a point I want to make but wait, I don’t think I worded this right so five times later, I come up with this one sentence.  Now that I think about it my intro paragraph may not be making sense so let me delete it five or 10 times (oh no, I wrote out five and used the number 10, now it doesn’t match right.)  My whole paragraph now doesn’t look even so maybe if I had some things here and there it will look right.  Looks decent but now I want to delete this entire thing and just forget about it now.

I want to be able to come up with a nice valid conclusion the anxiety that I have to deal with in my life but I think people won’t read this or just laugh at how incoherent it is.  I’ll worry that they won’t think this is good at all so what’s the point of doing it now?  Now I have a blog with a small number of entries and I think it’s a total waste and now I want to scrap the whole thing, even I know a month from now, I may start again with a new blog.  Back to square one and I will repeat its demise.  I don’t have any writing skills nor do I have the ability to put something together on topic.  I’ll be criticized for what I have typed/written and it’s right now looping over my brain like a stuck needle on the record (if you don’t know what that is, I’m sorry, LOL).  Aw man now I’m referencing something most young people may not have any idea about.  Matter as well go back and come up with a more clever reference.  Twenty edits later, I leave the reference because it’s comical.

Now I spend 10 minutes staring at my screen reading what I’ve written so far over and over again, finding fault with this and with that.  I want to delete this.  I want to now delete the blog and just erase it.  I want to create a new email address so I can start a new blog somewhere totally different like maybe blogspot or some other blog hosting site even though I tried to create one there 10 years ago which I also then, created it over and over 10-20 times then finally erase it.

Now I’ll jump on Facebook to distract myself for a moment because I can’t deal with this now.  I want to forget I did anything and maybe try to reduce it all to one little Facebook status which doesn’t work because while I have a few close people who will understand, a majority who I haven’t spoken with or hung out with in ages will just think I’m crazy.  I don’t want them to think I am crazy.  I’m not crazy, am I?  Stare at screen for 10 more minutes.  Jump to my phone and play a quick round of solitaire.  Let’s jump on Instagram and veg on it for a few more minutes, completely distracting myself from the task at hand.  I’ll then move over to YouTube and watch some videos, listen to some music and then be motivated by a certain topic in a certain song to blog about and I’ll type the title and after 20 minutes of staring at the screen, I’ll just shut it off and move over to my PS4 and play a video game.

I’m back to the blog, trying to find out a way to end this and I can’t figure it out.  I go back and read what I’ve written and feel like I’ve written something good.  Then I go back again and completely erase it and try to re-word it which I will do a bunch of times.  I stare out the window at the sky for a little while.  Then I think about a job I need to find, think about a man I have to meet to a potential return to college.  As the time clicks on, I think about wanting to head to evening church which I want to do but circumstances begin to lurk into my mind as to why I’ll just be better off staying inside.

Now I’ll get off my seat and just roam around my home, thinking about where things are placed and change a few things, move a few things around and then realize I want to finish this blog post but I can’t.  I can’t figure out how to end it.  Now trying to end it and I want to erase it because it’s not good enough.  I want to delete!  What will people think about my blog?  They must already think I’m stupid for writing it, it’s just not good enough.  I don’t het hits like other bloggers.  I want to post this on Facebook but I’m afraid what people will think of me.  I want to link it to Instagram but again, what will they think of me?

I spend so much energy trying to push myself into doing something that by the end of it all, I simply give up and retreat to my little world of solitude, away from everything and everyone.  I just want to be alone at this moment.  I just want to be in a place where I can relax and not worry or concern myself with the decisions I’m avoiding or running from.  The question in the end is how I distract myself from these moments of anxiety.  (That’s for another time.)

Real life.

 

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A Moment to Reflect

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Upon this path I’m on, I’m going to up against many different bumps, obstacles, uphill’s and downhill’s.  I understand that it won’t be easy but as long as I keep going then one way or another, it will work out for the best as long as I have faith.  Well I must stop and reflect in the moment because today marks an anniversary that no longer exists so to speak.  This day is no longer as special as it once was but it is a day I still remember a beautiful thing taking place.  I was married on this day to a very special woman.  Then I messed the whole thing up.

Today I am divorced due to my own lusts and addictions that I did not take care of early in life or in the many times I was revealed to be this kind of man to her.  Today serves a grim reminder to the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life and that is destroying a beautiful love with a beautiful person and the mother of my beautiful children who did not ever deserve this at all.  No they didn’t!  They didn’t deserve a broken home.  They deserved a loving father, someone who respects their mother and who brought stability physically, mentally and spiritually.  I was not the man of God I should have been to these children.  I was not the man of God that woman deserved in her life.  I was destructive in my personality, my traits brought a downfall to a beautiful family that should be thriving right now, today!  We were supposed to grow old together but alas, it will never be now.  I am the reason we are not together.  I am the reason things are the way they are.  My life right now is not perfect, it is not ideally in a great place.

This path of life that I’ve been on had its time where I could have improved things, made it better and to learn from my mistakes.  Up to a certain point, never once taking true responsibility for my actions.  It was always someone else’s fault but I know what I did.  I know how I got here.  No one out there is to blame.  No one caused me to stumble the way I did.  I guess to a certain extent there is other things you can blame but no matter what, it all comes back to you not to be in that position in the first place.  I kept putting myself in positions that was dangerous and wrong but I kept going back.  It was like a drug, it was like an addiction.  I have an addictive personality and I kept going back because I wanted more.  Now my family suffered and my wife is now my ex.

I was stupid for what I did.  There isn’t any sugar-coating it.  I have to be able to look back on it all now and learn from it.  That’s what reflecting is all about.  I started out with therapy, I cleaned up a little my life, best I can and took off on this journey.  I dealt with bitterness, frustration, pain, anger and then there’s the possibility that there’s someone new waiting for me on the horizon, someone who could prove to be a worthy person to walk with in this journey but I deal with doubts, anxiety and the unwillingness to let someone to close for me because well, I’m not one anyone would want to get close with at this point in time.  Too much to deal with that why would I pass it along to anyone else.  I guess if they are willing to walk that struggle with you they’d be worth it but I don’t know.  I don’t want to be alone but I should be alone.

In the end, don’ be stupid.  Be faithful.  Don’t lie, don’t cheat.  If you feel like things are shaky between your spouse, then try to fix it, its worth the attempt.  Better to try and fail than not try at all and go out there and have some 10 second fling with some other person and for what?  It would be for nothing!   If you have to walk away, better to do it on truth than on a lie.  At least have some integrity, don’t lose it for something cheap.

Better yet, try this, strengthen your bond with God.  I had a chance but I chose not to include God and it still went bad because I didn’t put enough faith into the entire thing.  It should have been worth it to me to try.  It was not because I didn’t try.  What would that tell anyone?  That you don’t care?  That you don’t love enough?  Don’t have them doubting you on everything.

I’ll never regret saying “I Do.”  I regret not being faithful to a wonderful lady.  I was not a great example to my children and that hurts too.  Its rough, really rough.

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Someone is Out there

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I see my path.  I see the distance I will need to travel to get to where I need to be.  I’ve already planned on a long lonely walk and even have come to accept that as a guarantee.  I can turn around and see the many ups and downs that were my marriage and family life.  Not to say I have regrets but going at it alone has its advantages.  When I say alone I don’t mean in the literal sense.  I have children and I know they will always be there with me through everything that happens.  I can’t help be a little afraid of having to go the rest of my life without a significant other.  In my first 6 months of being divorced, I’ve had to learn to live with myself and not having anyone next to me to turn to for encouragement, for faith, for strength and whatever else I might need.

The first 6 months of my divorce has taught me a few good things and while I continue to adjust and set up my foundation for the next phase of my life, I can’t help but notice a figure off in the distance.  As of right now, continuing to strengthen my core, my foundation in the solid firmness that is my Christ, I can’t help but wonder about this figure who has shown up.  It is still rather shadowy.  I can tell who it is but this person is still a little far off so no real threat to me currently.  I still can’t shake the feeling that this person is someone I am going to run into as soon as I start moving.  I take a few steps and suddenly, I can their face.  I can see her, someone from the past.  I long over a few thoughts wondering what should I do.  I decide to reach out, my hand out to see if she will do the same and she does.  It makes me a little nervous but it seems right as well.

I still haven’t moved from my spot.  Before I start my journey, my walk, I want to be sure I have everything I need to make the trek.  I can tell facing her will be necessary.  I’m sure this will fall on me to decide to walk right to her or try to walk around her.  I’m feeling like God wants me to decide and that He won’t force any decisions on me.  It will be up to me because of my free will.  God knows what will happen without a doubt but it will be up to my decision.  I feel a comfort and peace looking at this person.  I decide at least for now, opening up a line of communication would be a good start.

Am I ready?  This seems like a jump.  Of course, it could be just a test or it could be my introduction to another life.  I must decide based on one big truthful fact, will my God bless either or one and then, which choice?

I won’t lie, something about this excites me.

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Walking Alone…

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There before me is a long winding path into a far off distance.  As I observe this trek over the horizon fear settles in and unable to focus.  My heart rate climbs and the sweat develops on my brow.  Even before making one step I’ve already taken 100 steps in my own mind, analyzing each step I take wondering what can go wrong with each step I take.  I can’t move and my mind is rushing thousands of miles per minute and after a few moments, I’m already worn out.  My heart and my mind are both in this anxious bout of doubt, fear and hopelessness.  Now I feel tired and overwhelmed with emotions.  Thoughts are rushing around my mind and before I know it, so much time has passed that I’ve decided to not even get back up.

It is a constant loop I find myself in and I find it so difficult to just get up and get it.  Where is my motivation?  I’ve been bombarded with so much thoughts and feelings that I settle and get lazy.  It would be easy to just hop on my phone or on my game system to escape my reality.  It is a good distraction, certainly it has come very handy at times.  There are times though that seeking that distraction has gotten me in trouble too.  What is a man to do when he is not able to move, get going.  This psychological battle I find myself in has cause me much pain and despair in my life, especially in the past decade or two.

I once was not alone.  Now I am.  This path is long and it will be trying.  It is time to walk.  I’ve been stagnate for too long.  I have no choice now but to go alone.  It will be hard, it will be trying for sure but to be stagnate won’t be good for me.  Anxiety and doubt will lash its claws on to my psyche.  It will attempt to slow me down and make me lay down.  I am my own wall.  I am my own worst enemy.  I don’t need haters…I’m my own hater.  I’m my own audience, I’m my own doubter.  Insecurities and a lack of confidence is my level 10 boss.  If I don’t beat him, I’m done.  I had five lives, no more chances to get more so I’m down to 1.  Time to make this one last…I guess.

 

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Bitterness – My Nemesis

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Bitterness is at the door.  Its knocking and it wants in.  It just won’t stop trying to get in.  I’ve done my best to ignore the knocking but its relentless, its determined and for the longest time, I’ve kept the door closed with all the locks on.  I don’t want for one moment to entertain but the relentlessness of the knocking is starting to get to me.  Then one day there I was and I unlocked the bottom lock and while the top chain was still latched, I cracked the door open.

Bitterness:

Go ahead and take that chain off.  Let me in and consume you.  I promise you’ll feel better lashing out at the world that has done nothing but mess you up.  You owe them nothing.  They owe you everything.  They left you to rot.  They left you alone.  No one cares about you and if they did then why did they leave?  People have gone on to live better lives and have given you nothing, not even a thank you.  Let me in and I’ll help you lash out.  I’ll help you get back at them.  The fact you cracked open the door means you are close to being ready.

Me:

For a moment, I considered letting you in but now I know how right I was for not letting you in.  Bitterness will not rule the day in my heart.  Yes, it would feel good to lash out, I will not lie.  It would certainly feel good to give people my two cents but what good will that do?  Holding grudges will bring me faster to death.  That kind of evil consumption will wither me away.  Now I’m even crazier for entertaining you at all.

Bitterness:

I am the darkness you need.  You can’t walk away.  I will always follow you until your last breath…that’s a promise.

Me:

I don’t doubt you’ll always be there.  I know you’ll never go away.  There will always be moments that will trigger you to return, possibly stronger with much viciousness.  It will be a battle, that I know.

Bitterness:

A battle you won’t win.  I will break you down, weaken you each time.  You will hit more walls, people will show you their true colors.  You need me to fight because they will show you no mercy.

Me:

(A moment of contemplation.)

NO!  GO AWAY!

(Slams door.)

I will walk my life always with bitterness not so far behind.  I know bitterness will always be around waiting for me to slip.  I cannot ever let bitterness win.  It’s a constant struggle indeed.  This will happen again though.  There will be times I will entertain it for sure.  My God always strengthen me to keep going.

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Blog Therapy: First Session

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Me: I believe there comes a time in a man’s life where doing things the old way won’t get you anywhere.  The old way was to ignore and to push down deep the emotions that we hold.  The old way was to not say anything and to not share what goes through our minds and hearts.  Through those years I had a wife whom I could trust with all that I went through but not once, did I openly share those thoughts and feelings.  I’d try on my own to make those changes and to try to figure things out but it all failed me.  Not one thing I did worked and everything in my life fell to pieces because of my issues.  The pain and torment that my choices inflicted upon those close to me can’t just vanish away.  It was those choices that forced close ones to leave me.  It had left me empty inside and even though I knew my faith would be my rock to lean on, I can’t say a little therapy wouldn’t help either.  Even though it was sort of forced upon me, I’ve concluded that it was an offer I could not refuse, whether I had a choice or not.  All I can to start is I will use this to my greatest advantage, as best as I can.

Blog Therapist:  I am thrilled that you are here and willing to take full advantage of these sessions, I look forward to having you understand all that you’ve gone through and what to expect in the future.  So tell me a little more and maybe let me know what is on your mind to start.

Me:  I’m conflicted in so many areas.  I’m filled with pain, torment, fear, confusion, anxiety and every other synonym you can come up that matches those feelings I just expressed.  My road has had many ups and a whole lot of downs.  My world ended one day, I was in my own personal Jonas in the whale moment and while I’m not trying to puff myself up, it certainly felt that way.  My faith is important to me but not enough to not seek God’s help like I know I could have.  For that reason I was isolated in my own personal whale.  It was so crazy that time I spent away from it all.  I’d go into details but maybe reserve that for another day.  After my time in the whale, I spent the next time and a half dealing with so much, closing chapters and trying to write a new one.  One big difference was losing someone very close to me, not to death but I was not someone she wanted to be around anymore.  I don’t blame her.  I was never mad at her but I blamed me and I was mad at me.  For a little while it seemed things could have truly gone back to normal but it did not.  Now she is truly gone.  She has gone to start a new life and it hurts to see that.  That life should still be mine but reality check, it is not.  I want to be happy for her too but that’s taking way too much energy and it just opens me up to all other crazy emotions.

Then among it all there are the case of my children.  I’ve done my best to check my emotional up and downs when they are around me.  I try my best to be supportive and understanding, loving and caring when they are around but sometimes, that is just so hard.  They are such loving children though, they see and can tell when I’m not right.  When can see I’m hurting, I can’t help fall into tears.  The past hasn’t been easy to shake off.  Not to say there hasn’t been breakthroughs, but I will say I wish it just all go away.

Blog Therapist:  Seems you have a lot of stuff going on in your mind.

Me:  That’s an understatement!

Blog Therapist:  Listen, I won’t promise that I will solve all your problems but I what hope you learn to do is navigate through all your emotions.  I want you to use this forum to free your mind.  Use it to the best of your ability.  Share what you want to share but don’t feel like you have to go into detail or as they say in those crime shows, names have changed to protect the innocent and yada yada.  Do you understand?

Me:  That certainly sounds legit.  I think I can do that for sure.  A little therapy can go a long way and I think this would certainly be great for me.

Therapist:  I truly believe this will be beneficial for you.

Me:  Without a doubt.  Thank you so much!!

In conclusion…

Therapy is available to us all in so many different ways I think it would be just great to use what we have to get better in life and especially for someone like me who don’t have many people to just bounce stuff off of.  Hopefully I don’t get too far and people look at me like I’ve lost my mind.  My soul is saved so no worries there and while I understand there is only one path home (heaven), still got to walk it until the Lord pulls me off.

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