When I’m Sitting Alone

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When I’m sitting alone, it’s not that I don’t want to be a part of anything, it’s not that I don’t want to be a part of the conversation or just be next to you, but it’s because my mind is filled with anxiety and I just need a moment to step away.  It’s a back and forth for me because I want to be part of the group.  I hate to have to isolate myself when my anxiety kicks in but I need that break.  I have though figured out how to compromise myself.  What I do is back off just enough to seem that I’m alone but still close enough to feel like I can participate with the conversation or with the activities of the social event or whatever get together I may be in on.

Again, I hate to leave the group, I hate to make people seem like I’m not enjoying their company but that’s all false.  I love being social, I love talking and conversing with people and I do really enjoy listening and paying attention.  My issue is my mind then goes into anxiety mode and the flood levees break and all kinds of memories and thoughts flood flow through, distracting me and then I begin to feel overwhelmed with the situation and I then feel like running from it all.  What I may do to help distract my own brain is jump on my phone and just go through it for a few minutes.  It’s not that I’m trying to be anti-social, it’s I need that break.  I step away but again, not that far away.  I don’t like having people believe I’m anti-social.  That’s the epic ramblings of my brain totally pulling away from everyone.  My anxiety tells me when I make a joke or a comment that what’s the point, no one will laugh or acknowledge you said something.

When I begin to sink into my moment, I start to feel more distant from everyone, and suddenly I feel like I’m all alone and everyone before me starts to vanish.  I can’t help but find myself in these moments where I really feel like I’m all alone.  I didn’t do anything to push anyone away but then again, my mind starts to convince me that I did something.  The battle has begun and I start to lose a little sense of what reality really is at the moment.  One trick I have implemented is positioning myself to trick my brain that I have gone to seek shelter from the moment but still close enough to where I can be part of the action.  While it always open up one to ask why I’m all by myself, my answer is well, I can still hear, I can still chime in when I see fit, of course.

The other thing I’m doing is at this moment waiting to see if anyone will be willing to sit with me but I don’t notice anyone taking the time to join me in moment.  I don’t ask for help, I expect people to already know but no one knows my internal troubles so what should I expect?  I should expect nothing because I won’t tell anyone anything.  So the result is I will continue to sit all alone and feel like no one out there cares.  Doesn’t seem anyone is coming soon so my head will bow.  Maybe someone will be able to tell something is wrong but no one will.  I keep checking but nothing changes.  Everyone is caught up in their own social interactions with other people.  I’m still listening though.  I’ll laugh if someone says a joke or says something funny.  Nothing changes and it will feel like there isn’t anyone around for miles.  Now I am alone for real but I don’t want to be alone.  I am friendly and I love being friendly but I can’t push myself to break out this funk.  I do crave interactions but what’s crazy is there will be times I do want to be alone.  At this point it’s because I don’t want to burden anyone.

As I sit there, all by myself, the thoughts running through my brain I start contemplating on some important decisions so I begin to fiddle my fingers, tap my foot, followed by a few extra fidgety moments. I can’t seem to help it, it’s subconscious when it happens and then it’s pointed out to me and I respond with a simple, “oh really?” As I sit there and I’m being told something of importance and I can sense how a decision from me could affect my family, my now non-existent marriage as I’m now divorced or anything else of importance, past present or future, I zone out, as my ex-wife would say, I get that “deer in headlights” look. So many things are happening that I can’t explain what I’m going through. In total nervousness I just try to come up with anything, and it has to be so quick I make something up. My mind is always clouded and I can’t organize my thoughts…I’ll simply just sit alone or attempt to distract myself in various ways to cope with the moment but I couldn’t do it and then lash out in an unhealthy way in attempt to make sense of it all. I don’t want to be alone but my anxiety keeps me alone.

I always felt lonely, no matter how many were near or who was near me.  It didn’t matter that I once had a wife to talk too and share things with, I just couldn’t do it!  I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, my anxiety would take over and I would freeze.  Then she would get angry or frustrated and move on to the next thing and I would be left there feeling completely terrible.  I’d then beat myself up over and over for not being able to share.  I tried but I couldn’t.  I want to escape from this and I tried various ways to do so, unfortunately, it led to very unhealthy habits, a few which I still fight to this day.  For a short moment in time I even visited a therapist but even then, there was things I couldn’t say, I didn’t want to say!  Not because I didn’t want too but because I couldn’t bring myself to go full detail.  It wasn’t even something I truly understood then.  Something would stop me and keep me from speaking on these thoughts but the surface was scratched.

After all this time and all these years, I’ve battled with so many demons, from addiction to not putting the needs of others before mine, selfishness, to being obsessive compulsive to just over all having to deal with my anxiety.  I tried various ways to escape these thoughts from drinking and smoking early on to some various unhealthy means of escaping reality.  Functioning wasn’t easy but I plugged along.  In the latter years my faith is all that has held me together through all this but everyday it’s a new battle, a failure and a victory.  Never the same, never in that same order.

40 years into my life and it has affected my entire life, only to now be brought to this point where I am truly feeling like I’m all alone in this struggle.  Then one day I found out I really am not truly alone…

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Fueled by Anxiety

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The problem I’ve always seemed to face when it comes to blogging is the attempt to put together coherent ideas into a thread that will make sense to the reader.  I beat myself up over and over again because I want to place every thought and word into the best possible place so that I may convey my ideas.  I always have a point to make and I’ll type away believing I’m relaying the message the right way but then I’ll pause and go back, just to keep track of what I’m saying.  After about five to ten re-reads, I’ll erase everything I wrote, type again, then dive into another several re-reads and erase again.  Seems after so many re-writes I am left with one sentence when I just spent an hour on a paragraph.  It is a constant battle that goes through my mind.  I’ll do my best to reword what I’ve written, meditate on it for a few but there I go, just as I believe I wrote something nice, I erase the whole thing again.  Suddenly I start getting frustrated and now I just want to give up on the whole thing.

I really want to be able to come up with a nice valid conclusion to the anxiety I have to deal with on a daily basis.  My whole life I’ve had to deal with this issue and trying to formulate a well thought out blog entry only adds to the issue because I keep going back and forth over it all.  In the end in my mind, all I can believe is it’ll be something someone laughs at because of how incoherent I am.  I’ll worry that they won’t think this is any good and while I try to live my life not worrying about what other think, I just can’t help it wonder what people will say or think.  Of course my anxiety will doubt what I’ve done, which leads to my own negative criticism on my own stuff.  I know not many people read my blog and it doesn’t help my psyche but I attempt to press on best I can.  That worrying now has me convinced that I have a blog with a few random readers that may accidentally come across my blog.  They may even like it or comment but it doesn’t help.  I’m now ready to scrap the whole thing and forget the whole thing only to try again to start-up something new several months from now.  It’ll always be back to square one because it is never good enough.  I don’t claim to have the best writing skills nor do I have the ability to putting together something well thought out.  I want criticism but I’ll be afraid of what will be said and before anything is said, I’m scrapping the whole thing again.  All these thoughts do is spin around in my brain over and over again.  I can’t break from it and it leads me to be sad and discouraged.  It is a fight to the finish and I lose more than I win.  My brain is literally like a broken record with a needle that won’t move along, sending me into a death spiral loop.  With the resurgence of the record and record player, I hope that reference is lost on anyone.  Now I’m thinking I should go back and erase that because what a stupid reference to make!  Now I want to go back and fix it and maybe use something else but I’m using up a lot of energy NOT to go back.  Twenty edits later, I leave the reference and decided to try to make a joke about it…forget it!

Believe it or not I have now between these paragraphs spent 10 minutes staring at my screen just pondering on what I’ve written.  I do it over and over again, seeking fault in everything and using up so much energy to keep myself from changing anything.  I so want to delete this whole thing right now!  I now want to just delete my draft, then delete my previous entries as I find fault in everything.  Now I want to just delete the whole blog and forget it ever existed.  Now I toy with the notion that I want to delete my emails and start over again.  Maybe I’ll jump to BlogSpot or some other blog hosting site even though I was on BlogSpot 10 years ago which I also at that time, went through the exact same thing I’m going through right now.  It never changes, my mind wants to do these things and eventually, I let it because it won’t let up.

Then there’s the distractions that I will turn too to help cope with my mind wanting to go into a frantic meltdown.  I’ll jump on Facebook and then maybe to Instagram.  I’ll then attempt to reduce a blog like this into a few sentences on FB and let it be.  Then I decide it won’t work because no one will understand what in the world I’m talking about.  No one would understand a thing and my status update will just seem cryptic and disturbing.  No one will like or comment and then I’ll go into another spiral of Oh lord, what have I done?  I’ll then go back after 5 minutes and erase it.  No one on my social media sites truly knows what I’m going through and it will only come off as crazy.  I’m not crazy…am I?  Now I’ll turn to my solitaire game on my phone and distract myself for several minutes.  I’ll just bounce around through all my apps and then maybe be motivated to actually write something because of a song or an idea I saw someone else post.  It’ll develop in my mind and I’ll think how great an idea it is and try to jump to my blog but at that point, I forgot half of it and then I realize, how stupid it is.  Distraction after distraction after distraction and I’m right back where I started.  After nothing, I head right on over to my PS4 for a game and something that takes little thought or attention, like a sports game.  Most of those other games like Destiny or Call of Duty or anything, also causes my anxiety to flare up.  Sports are always safe.

After some time away, I’ll walk back to my computer and try this blog one more time, trying to conclude what I have done but nothing comes to mind.  I go back a few times and do my best to write a good conclusion.  I truly just think I have trouble with conclusions.  It’s hard for me to finish something and I don’t know if that relates to my anxiety but finishing, especially strong has been my nemesis throughout my life.  I have a window next to me which I’ll stare out of for a bit.  I start to focus on all the issues of my life and attempting to move forward and how certain things need to happen to improve the state of my life.  I’ll pray to God, seek his guidance and strength.  I start to focus on also needing to attend church but I can’t just go when I want too and then it leads to my needing to be a better father and how much I failed as a husband.  Then focus on the fact that I’m divorced.  Then…well…you get it, a whole new loop of things.  The things I want to do but I’m so clouded now, I head to bed and just close my eyes.  It’s my way of hiding…

Nevermind…let me try again but I first walk around the house, moving things around, look at some of the family photos, maybe even move a few things around and then after some fierce mental debates, I go back and try to end this blog differently.  A whole slew of questions dive in as to if I do finish, then what?  Post it to Facebook?  Oh man, what would people think if they read this?  They’d think I’ve gone mad!  They’ll probably just think how crazy or stupid I am.  They may not even bother to check it out because I can tell that I don’t get any hits on my site.  What’s the freaking point then?

I do go back and forth so many times and spend so much energy to push myself into doing something which by the end, I’ll either have regrets or just give up.  Back to the bed, back to my solitude.  Anxiety has always been my nemesis and only now in my recent days have I began to understand the issues I face and deal with.  I now know it’ll take a whole lot of me to battle.  In the end my mission is to figure out how to distract myself when facing anxiety but that’s for another time now.

Real life.

 

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Someone is Out there

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I’m afraid that if I take that step that I will simply fall.  The site before me may seem righteous, noble and it seems like if I just take that step, I would certainly enjoy the time.  I can really see the distance I will need to travel to get where I need to be.  I’ve actually laid out what I believe is a good plan.  I’ve for the most part can guarantee success.  I can look back and not get drawn back.  I finally have learned how to be strong and on top of that, my faith is certain!  I know these things in my mind.  I can see the many ups and downs I’ve been through, like my life, my marriage, now my divorced and even my family life and how it has been affected.  Not to say I have regrets but I can conclude that going alone has its advantages.  Of course I don’t mean alone in the literal sense because I have children who rely on me, who need me in their life so of course I can’t give up on them.  But…

I can’t seem to help be a little afraid of having to go the rest of my life without my significant other.  In the first 9 months of being divorced, I’ve had to learn to live with myself and that’s actually been a tad bit scary.  I’ve actually had to learn to be with me and to be able to rely on not much than myself.  I am afraid.  I don’t have anyone to turn too for encouragement, for faith, for strength and whatever else I might need to press on.

In this first 9 months I’ve had to deal with quite a bit.  Since my divorce, there’s been so much I’ve had to deal with personally, especially when it comes to dealing with my own emotions and reacting to information as it’s been passed on to me.  I often speak on wanting a new relationship with someone who would be there for me but I have to ask seriously, am I ready?  Meanwhile, as I try to put the pieces back together of my scattered psyche, I can’t also seem to help notice a figure off in the distance.  As of right now, as I continue to strengthen my core, my foundation in the solid firmness that is Christ, I can’t help but wonder about this figure who has gotten in my path.  Seems like nothing to me now but I wonder if it’s going to be a slow reveal.  It is still a shadowy figure but I can for the most part make out who this person is but that person is very far off so not something I have to really focus on at this very moment.  I can’t help but feel as if my path is going to cross this person and as I take a step, it becomes just a tad bit clearer.  It is a she, it is someone from my past.  I for one don’t want to look very deep into this but I can’t help doing that as well.  I see so many things having to fall into place before the proper meeting can take place, a sort of reunion.  I long over the possibility that could very well exist but I may be looking deep into this.  My anxiety decides its time to cast some doubt, to over analyze the situation so I take a step back.  I want to reach my hand out for her but I hesitate.  I feel if I don’t make a move, I may lose this but I just can’t do it, my brain won’t let me.  Now my heart rate climbs, I’m going into five thousand different directions in my own mind.  I so want to reach out to see if she’ll do the same.  I’m afraid of the outcome, I don’t move.  “Deer in headlights.”

I still haven’t moved from my spot.  Before I start my journey, my walk, I want to be sure I have everything I need to make the trek.  I can tell facing her will be necessary.  I’m sure this will fall on me to decide to walk right to her or try to walk around her.  I’m feeling like God wants me to decide and that He won’t force any decisions on me.  It will be up to me because of my free will.  God knows what will happen without a doubt but it will be up to my decision.  I feel a comfort and peace looking at this person.  I decide at least for now, opening up a line of communication would be a good start and going from there.  I want to let the Lord my God decide this one for me.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m ready for this.  It seems like quite the jump.  Of course, it could also be just a test.  Maybe this is my entry into a new life.  Again all I know at this moment is I must let my God lead me, I will pray for her, I will pray and hope that if she is not the one for me, God will remove her but if she is, that I will be lead right to her.

As scary as it seems, I can’t lie, there’s a little something about this that also excites me…like, the potential that really seems pleasing and positive.

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As I Walk Alone

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There before me is a long winding path into a far off distance.  As I observe this trek over the horizon, fear settles in and I am now unable to focus.  My heart rate climbs and sweat develops on my brow.  I haven’t even taken one step yet and I’ve already taken 100 steps in my own mind, analyzing each step I take wondering what can go wrong.  I’m frozen where I stand, I have what someone once called that “deer in headlight” syndrome as I now possess a blank stare.  I can’t move and my mind is rushing thousands of miles per minute and after a few moments, I can’t believe how tired I am.  My heart and my mind are both in this anxious bout of doubt, fear and hopelessness.  Now I feel tired and overwhelmed with emotions.  Thoughts are rushing around my mind and before I know it, so much time has passed.  At this moment I feel so tired, so worn out that I take a seat.  Amazing that I haven’t even taken one step and already, I need to rest.

As I sit there now, my mind is in a constant loop and I’m finding it so difficult to just get up and get walking.  Where do I draw my motivation from?  I’ve been bombarded with so many thoughts and so many different emotions that I start to settle and allow myself to just get lazy.  It would also be so easy right now to just jump on my phone, to play a game or to just waste mind drubbing moments on whatever social media network I’m on.  All this just so I can distract myself to the task at hand.  There isn’t anything good to gain from that wasted time.  It’s a good distraction though, it has come in handy many a times.  Unfortunately there has been times seeking a distraction has gotten me in trouble too.  What is a man to do when he is not able to move, to get going.  This psychological battle I find myself in has cause me too much pain and despair in my life, especially in the past decade or two.

Not that long ago, I was not all alone but now I find myself in a situation that will not change any time soon.  I don’t have a choice in the matter, I don’t have any companions that may seem to be willing to walk this path with me but I would be a fool to wait to see if someone would.  I have been stagnate for too long.  I should just start walking and not worry about anything.  Unfortunately that’s easier said than done so it will be hard, it will be trying and I’ll find myself many more times wanting to just sit and give up.  My anxiety will certainly keep me from moving at times and will certainly often lash its claws on to my psyche.  It will attempt to slow me down and make me lay down.  It’s crazy to say but it is reality, I am my own brick wall.  No one is stopping me but me.  I am my own worse enemy.  My anxiety plus insecurities and a lack of confidence is my level 10 boss.  If I don’t beat him, he will beat me.  I had five lives, no more extras, I’m down to one.  Somehow or the other with all my might I must, I must really, without any doubts, do the impossible and motivate myself to do what will certainly beat me up…and that is to take that first step.

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When Bitterness Knocks

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Oh crud!  There’s a knock at the door!  I can actually feel who it is before I check through the peep-hole.  It’s my old foe, bitterness.  He must have sensed that I was entertaining the idea of his existence.  There are always those times where you are living life as best as you can, but then those moments arrive where you just can’t help but get bitter of stuff.  You know what kind of stuff I mean.  I don’t even have to go into detail because we all have entertained bitterness to some degree.  None the less, no matter how much I try to ignore bitterness, he finds the opportune time to come knock on my door.  He is relentless and very determined.  Whenever he comes around, I’ve done pretty good keeping it closed and nicely locked.  I don’t want to entertain him but he seems to be knocking a little louder and I freeze in the moment, my urge to answer just went up.  For some reason on this day, I head to the door and reach for the bottom lock.  The knocking goes silent as I believe he has realized I may be unlocking the door.  I open the door but the chain lock snaps and stops the door from opening more than a crack.

Bitterness:  Hey man, you finally answered, now take that chain off and let me in.  It’s obvious you’re ready to listen to me.  I promise you if you let me in, it’ll all be better.  You want this now more than ever, to be able to lash out at a world who at every turn, has only brought your pain and suffering.  You know you owe them nothing!  But they owe you everything!  They left you to rot, they left you alone.  No one out here in the world cares about you and if they did, they wouldn’t have left.  Everyone who was ever close to you dropped you hard.  No one cares about you.  They are living great lives out there now.  They left you behind and not even a thank you for your trouble.  You know I’m right, you always knew I was right!  Let me in and I’ll help you lash out.  I’ll help you get back at them all.  Come on!  Let me in!  The fact you opened to listen to me says a whole lot.

Me:  For a moment I did consider letting you in.  Everything you say is not wrong.  I have built up enough anger and resentment that my lashing will be glorious.  It’s here within me, ready to explode, that fire burning.  Too many people out there has done me dirty.  Too many people have ignored me, left me, left me to rot and not even a thank you or do you need anything.  Not one person has sought me out to say I’m here for you.  No one understands what I’m going through and at this point, I care less about them.  I ask why do I even bother worrying about it?

Bitterness:  Exactly!  You and me are in total agreement!  You are so ready!  Let’s destroy them all!  Let’s make them feel so bad!  Let’s bring them to tears.  Let’s make them suffer!  Let’s make them regret not ever coming to your aid.  Maybe then they’ll understand who you are and why they should have cared.  You and me will work together and as you say, it will be glorious!

Me: (after a brief pause I consider that maybe it is time, it’s time for bitterness to take full control.  Maybe it’s time for me to fight back and crush all those fools for ever doubting me.  They never loved me, they never cared.  They don’t deserve me in their life!)  Hold on, what am I doing?  I’m not that type of guy!  I am a follower of Christ, what kind of sense would it make for me to do that?  I’m the one that pushed everyone away, they didn’t push me away!  You know what Bitterness, for a moment, I considered letting you in but now I know how right I was for not letting you in.  Bitterness will not rule the day in my heart.  Yes, it would feel good to lash out, I will not lie.  It would certainly feel good to give people my two cents but what good will that do?  Holding grudges will bring me faster to death.  That kind of evil consumption will wither me away.  Now I’m even crazier for entertaining you at all.

Bitterness:  You are so wrong but I can sense deep down inside that you want this and that you need this.  I am the darkness you need.  You know you can’t walk away!  You know you can’t hide from me.  There will always be a moment, a person and a situation that will make you consider me.  I will be there, always waiting and always close by.  I will follow you until you’re last breath and that is a promise!

Me:  You are not wrong again.  I have no doubts that you will always be a short reach away. I know you’ll never go away.  You will shadow me always the best that you can.  I can’t ignore that there will be other times where I may very well entertain you again.  There will be triggers and you will be stronger each passing time.  It will be a battle for sure but I’m also determined never to let you win.  You’ll wear me out for sure, I will want to hide at times and there will be times I will do my best to run from you.  As long as I breathe you will not be victorious.

Bitterness:  You can’t win!  You will lose this battle!  I will break you down, weaken you with each time.  You will hit walls, you will stumble and you know people will show their true colors to you.  There will come a time where you will give up and then, oh yes, it will be magnificent.  You need me.  You know this world will show you no mercy!

Me:  (As I pause again, I finally can’t let this go on any more.  He speaks the truth.  I want to accept him into my life but I just can’t let him win.)  Now go away!

I close the door!  I lock the doors and walk away.  I can’t deny that bitterness will always be not so far behind.  He will wait for me to slop.  If I ever let bitterness win, it will be one of my greatest failures.  It’s a constant struggle I wish would end.  This won’t be the last time I may crack the door.  I’ll tell you this much, if it wasn’t for my eternal belief in God, it’s quite possible I would have already lost.

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Therapy Session – 1st Step

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Me: I believe there comes a time in a man’s life where doing things the old way won’t get you anywhere.  The old way was to ignore and to push down deep the emotions that we hold.  The old way was to not say anything and to not share what goes through our minds and hearts.  Through those years I had a wife whom I could trust with all that I went through but not once, did I openly share those thoughts and feelings.  I’d try on my own to make those changes and to try to figure things out but it all failed me.  Not one thing I did worked and everything in my life fell to pieces because of my issues.  The pain and torment that my choices inflicted upon those close to me can’t just vanish away.  It was those choices that forced close ones to leave me.  It had left me empty inside and even though I knew my faith would be my rock to lean on, I can’t say a little therapy wouldn’t help either.  Even though it was sort of forced upon me, I’ve concluded that it was an offer I could not refuse, whether I had a choice or not.  All I can to start is I will use this to my greatest advantage, as best as I can.

Blog Therapist:  I am thrilled that you are here and willing to take full advantage of these sessions, I look forward to having you understand all that you’ve gone through and what to expect in the future.  So tell me a little more and maybe let me know what is on your mind to start.

Me:  I’m conflicted in so many areas.  I’m filled with pain, torment, fear, confusion, anxiety and every other synonym you can come up that matches those feelings I just expressed.  My road has had many ups and a whole lot of downs.  My world ended one day, I was in my own personal Jonas in the whale moment and while I’m not trying to puff myself up, it certainly felt that way.  My faith is important to me but not enough to not seek God’s help like I know I could have.  For that reason I was isolated in my own personal whale.  It was so crazy that time I spent away from it all.  I’d go into details but maybe reserve that for another day.  After my time in the whale, I spent the next time and a half dealing with so much, closing chapters and trying to write a new one.  One big difference was losing someone very close to me, not to death but I was not someone she wanted to be around anymore.  I don’t blame her.  I was never mad at her but I blamed me and I was mad at me.  For a little while it seemed things could have truly gone back to normal but it did not.  Now she is truly gone.  She has gone to start a new life and it hurts to see that.  That life should still be mine but reality check, it is not.  I want to be happy for her too but that’s taking way too much energy and it just opens me up to all other crazy emotions.

Then among it all there are the case of my children.  I’ve done my best to check my emotional up and downs when they are around me.  I try my best to be supportive and understanding, loving and caring when they are around but sometimes, that is just so hard.  They are such loving children though, they see and can tell when I’m not right.  When can see I’m hurting, I can’t help fall into tears.  The past hasn’t been easy to shake off.  Not to say there hasn’t been breakthroughs, but I will say I wish it just all go away.

Blog Therapist:  Seems you have a lot of stuff going on in your mind.

Me:  That’s an understatement!

Blog Therapist:  Listen, I won’t promise that I will solve all your problems but I what hope you learn to do is navigate through all your emotions.  I want you to use this forum to free your mind.  Use it to the best of your ability.  Share what you want to share but don’t feel like you have to go into detail or as they say in those crime shows, names have changed to protect the innocent and yada yada.  Do you understand?

Me:  That certainly sounds legit.  I think I can do that for sure.  A little therapy can go a long way and I think this would certainly be great for me.

Therapist:  I truly believe this will be beneficial for you.

Me:  Without a doubt.  Thank you so much!!

In conclusion…

Therapy is available to us all in so many different ways I think it would be just great to use what we have to get better in life and especially for someone like me who don’t have many people to just bounce stuff off of.  Hopefully I don’t get too far and people look at me like I’ve lost my mind.  My soul is saved so no worries there and while I understand there is only one path home (heaven), still got to walk it until the Lord pulls me off.

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